Save Me From Heroes
by What a Rubber Chicken
Summary: (AU YEAH August - 17 - Sidekick) In a world where the Ladybug Miraculous was never activated, our heroes are having a hard time dealing with the akumas. But Marinette has to deal with both akumas AND heroes! Because, honestly, she's not sure which one's worse...


_(AU YEAH August - 17 Sidekick)_

 _An AU where the Ladybug Miraculous was never activated. And the kids are adults._

* * *

 **Save Me From Heroes**

The first time Marinette met Chat Noir, he crashed through her bathroom wall.

 _While_ she was taking a shower.

She, of course, screamed to high heaven, turned off the water, and quickly wrapped herself in a towel to see if the dazed superhero was all right.

There he was, laying on top of the rubble from her wall, the night air managing to blow away most of the dust caused by his violent entrance. Compared to the relative warmth her bathroom had had before, the chill was very unwelcome on Marinette's still-wet skin.

"Chat Noir?" she called uncertainly, not having had much contact with the superhero before now, "are you dead?"

"I am definitely down a life," he groaned.

"Can you move?" she asked.

"I think—Just gimme a minute," he panted, collapsing against the rubble again.

Marinette scowled down at him _. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet to see the damage he'd done to her bathroom! Talk about rude! He'd better have been chasing an akuma instead of playing with his superhero friends!_

 _Speaking of…_

Marinette heard a strange vroom-vroom sound coming closer.

 _Crap! It really was an akuma!_

Thinking quickly, she ripped her shower curtain off its hooks and quickly draped it over Chat Noir, moving some rubble pieces to make it look like the rest of her ruined bathroom. Then she spun, just in time to see the akuma come into view, obviously searching for the superhero she'd thrown.

To Marinette's relief, it wasn't a leering old man, but an angry young woman who couldn't care less that Marinette was standing there in nothing but a towel.

"Hey, you! Girl! Did Chat Noir come through here?" She yelled from her makeshift airplane.

"Obviously!" Marinette shouted back, not even having to hide her anger as she indicated the gaping hole in her wall. "He crashed right through my bathroom and then took off to go hide, that scaredy-cat! I think he headed towards the park!" she added, pointing towards a park a couple blocks away.

"Thanks, girl!" the akuma yelled, zooming off.

Marinette breathed a sigh of relief once she was gone.

"I am _not_ a scaredy-cat," she heard Chat grumble under his hiding place.

She pulled the shower curtain off him. "And I'm not letting you fight an akuma in my apartment," she argued. "You'll break even more of my stuff!"

Chat Noir finally looked at her and instantly went red when he saw her in nothing more than a towel, her hair still soaking wet.

"Oh-oh-oh my god, I-I'm so sorry!" he stammered, quickly standing up but never taking his eyes off her. "I—I—I'll fix this somehow—I'll pay for all of it, I swear—"

"Chat."

"—I'll buy you a new shower and everything—"

"Chat Noir!" Marinette yelled. He instantly shut up and stared at her, his kitty ears folding back in fear. Marinette pointed outside again. "You have an akuma to take care of! I sent her to the park! Now go get her!"

"Oh! Right!" Chat bounded over to the gaping hole and then glanced back at her.

Marinette leveled him with a deadpan stare before he could make one of the cat jokes he was so famous for. "Just. Go."

Chat meeped and took off into the night.

* * *

The first time Marinette met Carapace, she was having an incredibly bad day at work.

Partly because of the akuma running rampant through the building.

And partly because her boss (the biggest asshole on this side of the Seine), who was responsible for this akuma (you did not reduce a grown man to tears without some sort of repercussions in this town, did he not understand that…?) had somehow fled to a safe spot while leaving all his employees to face the wrath of the monster out for his blood.

Marinette, however, was not quite that heartless, and had taken it upon herself to try to herd as many of her coworkers to safety as she could.

Unfortunately, being Marinette, she had tripped along the way, and fallen behind.

And even more unfortunately, large gatherings of people seemed to attract akumas like bees to a large bouquet of flowers. People screamed and covered their heads while the monster cackled and floated above them, shooting randomly into the crowd.

Then, suddenly, a large green dome sprang up around them, reflecting the akuma's attacks back at him. He went down with a shriek, reducing a desk below him to splinters when it cushioned his impact.

"GO!" Marinette heard the green-clad superhero yell. "I CAN'T HOLD THIS FOREVER! RUN!"

Most people obeyed. However, most people weren't crouched where Marinette was; watching the akuma recover and take aim, preparing to fire as soon as that shield went down.

Most people also didn't notice the little skateboard that ingenious, new intern had been using to get everyone their coffee orders on time.

Marinette wasted no time. She slid forward and rolled the toy towards the akuma. _This would never work if he noticed…._

He didn't notice.

He stepped on the skateboard just as he was about to fire his gun arm.

It was glorious, watching him slip backwards, in a way that reminded Marinette of old cartoons and banana peels.

In the next instant, the superhero was on him.

Marinette decided she didn't want to be anywhere near the battlefield anymore, so she hightailed it outta there. She didn't notice Carapace glance back at her thoughtfully.

* * *

The first time Marinette met Rena Rouge and Queen Bee, she was in a little grocery store. A toddler had been throwing a typical toddler-tantrum, and his already weary-looking mother had been getting harassed by some elderly ladies about it.

Yup, enter the butterfly.

Now it was the old ladies who were running around the store screaming (silently—apparently this akuma's superpower was to just make everyone _SHUT UP_!) and Marinette had almost made it to the door when she spotted the two superheroines hiding around a corner and discussing how to attack.

"Okay, Queenie, you cause a distraction—"

"Me?! You're the one with the stupid illusion powers! You be the distraction!"

"I can't! I gotta make sure all the civilians get to safety and the best way to do that is to make it so she can't see them! I can't do two illusions at once!" Rena Rouge argued.

"And _I_ can't attack _and_ be the distraction—it'll cause too much damage!" Queen Bee exclaimed. "We need to take her out quickly!"

"Um, excuse me?" Marinette said, appalled by both of them. "You can't kill her; that woman has a child with her!"

Both superheroines spun on her.

"Mind your own business, you nosy brat!" Queen Bee snapped.

"You got a better plan, pigtails?" Rena asked.

Marinette's eye twitched. The only person she allowed to call her "pigtails" sometimes was her best friend, Alya. And that was only because she had a deep, abiding love for the other girl. This… this… _fox_ had no right—!

She glared at them both, reached out, and pulled the fire alarm.

Instantly a loud siren filled the entire store. The akuma, (who had been created because of a different long, loud sound), instantly covered her ears and sank to the ground, unable to bear the loud wailing.

Marinette folded her arms. "The akuma's in the pacifier in her hand. I watched it fly in. Just break it; you don't need to hurt her."

Rena Rouge and Queen Bee looked at each other in astonishment for a moment before they went out to perform their superhero duties. Marinette just left. It had already been a long day, and that fire alarm wasn't doing anything for her own headache….

* * *

 _A spa day_ , Alya had said. _A nice massage_ , Alya had said.

With that super-secretive, I've-got-a-plan-I-know-you're-not-gonna-like smile on her face.

Marinette barely refrained from calling her bestie out on it.

But she was about ready to scream when she saw both Chloe Bourgeois (Worst Person Ever) and Adrien Agreste (her crush since high school, not that he knew that) seated around a low table in the room waiting for them. (Also, Nino. But Nino was cool. She didn't have any problems with Nino. Hi, Nino!) _How was she supposed to relax in the slightest if she was anywhere near these two?_

"Alya—" she growled.

"Just hear me out, M," Alya said, tugging her the rest of the way into the room. "We've got a proposition for you."

Marinette stared at her, absolutely baffled. What could this group—especially this _particular_ group—of people want from her?!

The door shut behind her, and Marinette glanced back. She could've sworn nobody was there… and there was still nobody there.

"So, listen," Alya said excitedly. "We've been watching you for a while now—"

"You've all been stalking me?" Marinette interrupted, stepping back. _Alya had led her to a group of crazy stalkers? Thanks a lot, bestie!_

"No, M," Alya assured her. "We haven't been stalking you."

"Except for Adrien," Nino muttered, taking a sip of tea.

"Hey, come on, man!" Adrien exclaimed, punching his friend on the shoulder. "I told you, I was just checking up on her!"

"At 3 am."

"You were there too!"

"Other than the fact that I need to get restraining orders on all of you, is there anything else I need to know?" Marinette snapped. She was pretty sure she could be out that door in less than two seconds if Alya would just let go of her hand….

"I still think this is a bad idea," Chloe muttered, glaring at the wall. Marinette ignored her.

"We all discussed it," Alya said, glaring at the others to get them to shut up. "And we agreed that you're the best person for the job."

"What job?" Marinette asked.

"How would you like to be a superhero?!" Adrien asked, leaning forward eagerly.

Marinette stared at him, blinked, then spun on her heel and headed for the door.

"No-no-no-no, M! Wait! Just hear me out!" Alya begged, chasing her and pulling her back towards he center of the room.

"You're crazy," Marinette told her. "You're crazy, and I'm crazy for just listening to this—"

"I still have to pay you for your bathroom," Adrien said.

Marinette froze and slowly turned to stare at him. She'd told her landlord about the akuma attack, but she hadn't told _anyone_ about her interaction with Chat Noir.

"And I never thanked you for hiding me," he added, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "You really saved my tail."

Marinette's mouth worked silently for a few minutes before she finally found her voice.

"I had to move back in with my _parents_ ," she growled lowly.

"I know, I know," he said, holding up his hands in surrender. "And I'm still gonna pay for everything, I promise."

Marinette slowly turned back to Alya, who waved apologetically.

"I don't think Queenie and I made the best impression in the store," she said, ducking her head in embarrassment.

"And your quick thinking saved dozens of lives when I first met you," Nino added.

The pieces all clicked together in Marinette's mind.

"So, despite my own misgivings, we've decided to make you our sidekick," Chloe drawled, studying her nails.

"You would be our _teammate_ ," Adrien corrected, frowning at his childhood friend. "We didn't want to activate the Ladybug Miraculous at all, since it's one of the ones Hawkmoth wants, but the damage around town is getting so bad we really can't ignore it anymore. So, don't worry, one of our main goals will be to make sure you're protected at all times."

"Tell me again why we don't _de_ activate the Cat Miraculous, so Hawkmoth can't get _it_ either?" Chloe asked archly, clearly upset that Adrien was disagreeing with her.

"Because _I'm_ the best fighter," Adrien argued.

Both superheroines jumped up, yelling.

"He is," Nino called over them. Alya whirled on her boyfriend, but he just shrugged at her apologetically. "I'm all about feminism, babe, but Chat can lay you both flat in less than five minutes if he's actually trying."

"Let me get this straight," Marinette said quietly, before this inane argument could continue any further. "You expect me to join you. To clean up your messes. And you expect me to let you even _think_ of calling me a sidekick? No way. If I join, I'm in charge of this team. You're _my_ sidekicks now. And you'll all agree to it, or I'm walking."

They all gaped at her (Chloe slowly turning redder and redder).

A low chuckle came from behind her. Marinette spun around to see a tiny Chinese man in a red Hawaiian shirt smiling up at her.

"You'll be perfect," he said, eyes twinkling. "Welcome to the team, Ladybug."

He held out a small, black box.

* * *

End.


End file.
